Review of 2 papers
Example Peer Review letter (601 words)
Dear Kasty,
I’m going to address your questions about your thesis statement and your opening sentence and then move to some other areas.
Your thesis statement is at the end of the first paragraph, is easy to understand and provides a roadmap for the paper– so good job! However, you didn’t use the “although” format at the beginning of it. Remember that Prof. France said we are supposed to begin our thesis statement with “although,” and that’s called a “qualifier.” The info that follows the “although” should be contrary to the information in the rest of the statement. For example I think you could add the “although” this way: Although some have argued that a commencement speech must contain a “feel good” section about the future, David Foster Wallace’s commencement speech is successful without doing so.
You also asked about your opening statement. You begin with “… it slowly began to make more and more sense by the end of the speech” (para. 1). I think this statement would go better later in the paper when expressing your thoughts about the speech. This critique of the speech is valid (I agree!), but save the opinion until you are in the area where you provide your response (paragraph 4 in your paper). Plus, since we’re talking about your introduction, I don’t think you used one of the opening strategies on the handout from Prof. France. I waited until I wrote my conclusion to start on my introduction and found it was so much easier to identify an opening that would work with my paper. I decided to include some background information on the topic and then work up to my thesis. You might want to try that, but choose whatever works for you. Once you choose your intro strategy, I think you’ll find that you don’t want to include the critique in it.
Your summary paragraph is does a good job explaining to your reader (who hasn’t read the speech) what the opening metaphor in the speech represented. However, there were a few major points that you left out of your summary. I think you may have spent too much time on the metaphor and not enough on the major points. Try to imagine how you would explain the speech to someone who has never heard it.
There are a lot of quotations in this paper, which I think may have exceeded the allowable 10% maximum. Try to paraphrase or summarize (and always cite!) some of them. I like to think of quotations as special things that I only get to use on rare occasions. I have to give myself a reason to quote. I try not to quote whole sentences too.
Speaking of quotations, look at the “Quote Sandwich” handout. I found it super-useful for reminding me to explain quotations by writing a sentence or two after the quote that tells my reader how the quotation links to what I’m saying.
One last thing, I understand your paper so the meaning isn’t blocked by grammar/mechanics. But, the number of errors doesn’t make me feel like I’m reading a college-paper. Sorry. But I get it. I have always had issues with commas. I was “comma splice leader of the world” until I read the info in Little, Brown and made an effort to use periods. I had to spend time figuring out how to avoid these errors and when I did I stopped getting dinged by professors for the errors. Plus, I felt more confident about my writing.Just a thought.
Thanks for letting me read your paper. I think you are on your way.
Regards,
